Monthly Archives: November, 2009

Who am I?

Who are you? Define yourself? When Shirley came up with this question yesterday I was literally speechless. I was not able to give her an answer. To be frank I’m still pondering what it really means! How to define myself! To be frank I had never thought about this question before and was not able to get the right path of thoughts.

I have to admit that till now someone or the other channelized my thoughts, whether to right or wrong. Whether it injured me or not I always danced according to those tunes. I won a few in my life, but lost many, including a heart that’s now cold & hard, well set to have any number of unpleasant incidents. Career, relationships, money and all other things; I never opened my eyes and looked at them. I always tried to see it through my past. But now I strongly feel that this process of self-discovery, understanding and acceptance will surely help me to get out of the entire crisis that I have been carrying throughout. Now I am taking time to look within and understand me, rather than persistently focusing on what I was without, what I was denied or what I lost.

‘How are you?’ we ask this question a thousand times daily. But no one would ask ‘WHO am I?’ to him/her. When Shirley asked me yesterday it was like a hard slap on my face. Seriously speaking, I had never thought about it till now. To be frank so many questions arrive at my doorstep, about the people I dealt with, the decisions I made; innumerable number of questions I should say. Somehow or the other I am here now, but when I deeply think about this question and try to understand me more I see a new Anjana before me. I feel as if I was just trying to become someone or something throughout these years that I think would have made me happy. I tried stepping into jobs & friendships that were not satisfying me. My eyes were totally veiled by a mirage like ambiguity till now, not really knowing who I am.

Well, to know ‘Who I am?’ I think I should first know ‘Who I am not?’ Because I now feel that I am not what I do mostly in life these days or who other people want me to be.
The answer to ‘Who am I?’ is coming out with the distinctiveness in me; what makes you happy? What excites me? What scares me? What makes me feel lively inside? Who am I when no one else is around me?

I am trying to peel out the back layers to get the real me inside it. The layers include what I was told to be, who I believed I should be, the false personas that I developed, either to tackle or to cover-up my unpleasant experiences.

I know that this is not easy, as the process of becoming clear is like a course that never ends. The dead and decayed layers have to go from me to make me clearer. This blog is my first step to start self discovery.

I am gonna start with the small tip that I got yesterday from her. She said to write about me sincerely just like how we do in slam books. I am gonna write about me, my likes and dislikes, to know my core qualities that make me unique. I know that it is not as easy as I write SEO works, yet I have gained the determination to do that at any cost.

I am planning to spend some time on this exercise for the next few days and see what the outcome is. I know very well that self-discovery is timeless. But I am not planning to beat my head up against the wall to figure out what I want and how to get it. I am gathering the potential to be patient to set my intention to find more about me!