Is there a true fighter in you, a real fighter who can beat even the mightiest of the worries that may come across the hard to traverse path in life? If you are a real combatant, you will have the best life for yourself, no matter whatever shitty things happen. I am writing this because I couldn’t help but wonder why some people as young as fifteen and twenty embrace death at very tender age, as if they don’t have anything left to hope for. I do understand that people are different from one another, and so are their mindset, but there is no excuse whatsoever to surrender oneself before the problems that life puts up before us. Instead, one should look at how to rise up and fight against them with the boldest mind and very practical thoughts.
When it comes to struggles in life, instead of telling someone else’s story, I would prefer saying mine. I won’t tell you that I had the worst hardships in life, or I have a story worth giving you a lesson to learn, but life was not easy for me until the last couple of years, and it had hit the rock bottom many times before coming back to the normalcy that people around me see right now. Happiness lived way too far from my life for more than twenty years since my birth. Constant problems one after the other , both in and out of my home, brought in me a mammoth fear to believe, trust and be friendly with people around, especially men – a kind of destructive phobia which in turn drove me away from everyone, thus becoming rebellious, sensitive to the core, and quick-tempered. I was never friendly with everyone, the reason why people hated me for what I was, and I never bothered to care about what they thought. Added to this was the worst inferiority complex that some of my relatives filled-in to minded, by constantly calling me an ugly duckling for having ‘negro like’ curly hair, thick lips, a little more than average belly, and dark skin. It made me hate myself more.
I hated everyone around and drove them away with sharp words that most of them never came back to rekindle their relationship with me. I always felt that men are untrustworthy, and know only to be bossy and abusive. Regarding women, I believed that they are equally untrustworthy like men, and knows only to go around gossiping, bitching, and backbiting, the reason why I never dared to have any heart to heart talks with any of my pals. Constantly cranky and bad-tempered, I was always hated by everyone, which triggered more vengeance in me that I started keeping aloof from all the others around, minding my own business. My parents even arranged a meeting with the best psychologist in the town to know what’s wrong me, but instead of opening up, I kept silent throughout the whole therapy session. I never wanted to open up, never wanted to share anything, and never wanted any kind of sympathy from anybody. I hated showing the terribly wounded and constantly bleeding heart of mine.
As I said, I never had any true friends until ‘him’ accidentally through a social networking website. Seeing him extent a friendly hand, I felt he is the godsend angel to save me from sinking in to the sea of extreme depression and anger. I was on cloud nine for having him in my life and we often talked for hours together on the phone. I sharing all my sorrows and he was too kind to me, pacifying me with his soothing words which brought in a ray of hope in to my dark life.
With the help of the new-found positivity and hope , I moved to a new city and took up a new job. We mostly spoke over the phone as he lived way to far from my place. I met him only once over a cup of coffee, and was thrilled beyond words for having him around. But fate had more share of heartbreaks for me. Within a year, I accidentally bumped in to the ‘real’ him, while having a long causal talk with one of his friends. I was extremely shocked to hear that what i knew about him was just dynamically opposite of what my so called ‘only friend’ of three years really is. It was hear-breaking and I saw my world shattering in front of me, as I couldn’t take in the truth so easily. No sooner, I started sinking in to depression, constantly ranting and freaking about anything and everything in life. It took almost more than three quarter of a year and many night of tear stained pillows to make my mind come in to compromise with the hard to digest facts about my ‘friend’.
But by the time I came out of the whole mess, my heart grew harder and stronger like never before, I started concentrating more on my life and my career, took up a new ‘chic look’ that actually boosted my enthusiasm and confidence manifolds. I started enjoying every bit of my life in full swing. The lately found positive aura helped me meet some people whom I would not call friends, but those whom I like to be with. This in no way means I didn’t bump in to any more shitty male figures thereafter. Yes I did, but knew how to give handle them fiercely.
It’s been many years since all the fiascos happened, and now I am in my full enthusiasm and vigor, contented with my professional and personal life, contented for what I have. I have also swiped away all my ‘phobias’, and I am fine with meeting people and enjoying their company, irrespective of whether they are men or women.
My ‘first found’ friend and I are still in touch, as I forgave him long back, not because he deserves it, but just because I deserve peace of mind and don’t want to carry shitload of negativity and depressing thoughts throughout my life. Not only him, I forgave everyone who hurt me, and let me tell you that it felt good and comfortable cleaning away the whole lot of sadness that had accumulated in my mind throughout the years.
Lesson learned: No matter whatever you face, try getting up and fighting back in full strength, as there is no negativity or hardship in this world that you cannot defeat. As one of my colleagues says, life is like a foot ball match, and you should play it to win and only to win. It’s ok if you lose in between, learn the lesson from your loss and start playing all over again.
So now I play to win and only to win!