When it comes to relationships, I am a firm believer of playing safe, both on professional and personal front. I never try and go overboard to cling on to any relationship, instead, try my best to maintain it within a safely set distance. If it doesn’t work for me and the person on the other end, no matter whoever he/she is; I will make sure to bid adieu on talking terms instead of creating a rough end and rubbing the other person in a wrong way.
So if you ask me whether I have an intimate friend, I would say I don’t. It’s just because I don’t trust anyone completely. I know you would be shocked reading this, and may even presume that I might have had a chain of bad experiences in the past, by trusting the wrong people. You guys are right to an extent. I did have had some heartbreaking moments in life when I naively showered a huge amount of trust on wrong people and ended up getting hurt. But to be frank, I don’t regret what I did, as those incidents have made my heart strong and rock hard. They have also taught me some valuable lessons that have made life worth living. So, having taken the messages from those bitter experiences, now I make sure to keep people a little away from me, but at the same time maintain a cordial relationship with all.
In my opinion, not having someone close to heart is not something as bad as to get worried and cry ones heart out. But many of the girl pals I know keep pressurizing me to find someone with whom I can share my thoughts and feelings. They believe that I get increasingly fearful when it comes to choosing a friend, and am unable to harness enough courage to trust someone completely, and keep telling me that I should stop becoming prejudiced about anyone and everyone whom I meet.
To be frank, I am totally not looking for an ideal person who completely puts oneself in to a friendship, as I know it’s too much a utopian way of thinking. The fact is, I am not completely willing open up to anyone. In other words, I am not feeling the need to expose the entire me to anybody, in any circumstance, as I really don’t have any positive reason to do that.
The same thoughts kept, and still keep, swirling around me whenever I almost bump(ed) in to some pretty good romantic proposals that I politely denied. When it comes to love, I know very well that my playing safe theory would never work, and I am in no mood to surrender my entire mind and thoughts to anyone, and sometimes fear if that would disrupt the freedom and space that I have enjoyed throughout these years. Although I am very much like other women, with all the feminine feelings, and would love to be in a good relationship, my mind often gets overpowered by the possible hurting outcomes about trusting a strange person and letting him know me in and out.
Almost all of my girl pals are either married, engaged, or committed their long-term boyfriends. So they find it really hard to understand the reason why I have ‘failed’ to find someone, even after given the entire freedom. I am not sure if trust issue is what keeps pulling me back from moving in to the so called intimate friendship or relationship, as I have always strongly felt that I’ve moved on from all those wrong steps that I had taken in the past. But yes, as I said, I want to play safe now and here-on without giving myself yet another chance to falter my steps and fall prey to another distrustful person, no matter whether it’s a girl pal or a guy friend.
Whatever the relationship is, giving-in ones 100%, I think, is nothing but digging one’s own grave. This is because, more often than not, the person on the other end, on knowing us from head to toe, would obviously make good use of our frailties and mold us in the way they want. This, I think, is something common irrespective of gender differences.