A day ahead of another year and the question is back again! Everyone around me is keen to know the New Year resolution of others, and I cannot but laugh over this little strange and rather amusing curiosity that people tend to have during New Year eve. For me, a resolution or a promise to oneself, no matter whether it’s big or small, has to be kept without compromise, under both worst and best circumstances, and by far, I have hardly met anyone who adheres to the promises or resolutions made before New Year. If this is what the next year too has to witness, I find it ludicrous to see the growing hullaballoo on New Year resolutions.
To be frank, a change for better or a promise to change oneself, I think, needn’t wait till the beginning of another year, and if one genuinely wants to get it done, any day and any moment can help trigger a fresh start. But I believe that many people who boast of New Year resolutions hardly want to keep-up their promises, and are rather keener on creating snooty showiness in a group, thus forcefully demanding praise and appreciation from people around, thus unknowingly making themselves a fool of others. This is not a generalization or a prejudiced inference, and I completely agree with the fact that there can be a few people around, who are very much genuine in their resolutions and decisions, but, a major share of people who brag about their New Year resolutions hardly do justice to them.
So what exactly is a perfect or possible New Year resolution? If you ask me, I would say that it has hardly anything to do with the abrupt changes that you would want in your life or personality, Believe it or not, neither our body nor our mind can take-in any abrupt changes, no matter whether it’s for good or bad. Therefore there is no rational reason to brag about or be persistent on implementing a hard to practice promise, when we ourselves are well aware of the extent to which the so called promise can be kept. In short, instead of taking a sudden and drastic deviation one has to take slower and steadier turns that are practically possible, and thus reach the set goal. Whatever the set New Year resolutions or promises are, possibilities of leaving it half the way are many, and for that reason, one can only take slower routes to get close to the goal, and achieve it hands down. Say for example, if a man who has been a chain-smoker or a drunkard decides to abruptly leave his smoking or drinking habit from the first of January, the chances of making it happen are almost equal to nil, as we all know that vices never leave us one fine day, and will continue to cling on until and unless our body and mind are firmly determined to drive them away. I’ve heard many such bragging and have laughed my lungs off as I very well knew that those blown up resolutions would hardly live till the end of first quarter of the year. As I said before, there would be a handful of people who do have such rock-solid determination, and may perhaps achieve what they have planned for, but there is this vast majority who lacks the willpower to stick-on to what they have decided, thus pathetically going back to their earlier state within a month or two, thus ‘strangling’ their own resolution to death without any embarrassment.
So why exactly are people boasting about New Year resolutions is something that I’ve never figured out yet. If it’s a short-term promise that they would soon fail to keep, New Year resolutions are nothing but eyewash that people intentionally swank shamelessly, only to seek attention of their peers. As I am completely against such snooty and foolish gimmicks to hog the limelight, as always, I continue to stay away from such meaningless conversations, and always end up being the butt of ridicule, for not having any eye-popping resolution to boast about. As they, be it my friends or colleagues, move-on with their intense discussions on New Year resolutions, I walk away and laugh in the heart of hearts, as know very well than hardly any of those promises will remain kept at least until the mid of the year.
Another year is gearing up to bid goodbye! Looking back at those bygone months, I feel that they have gone way too fast than those in the previous years. This thought of quickly losing a precious year of my life is making me feel a little low, for not being able to achieve some of those must needed changes and diversions in both professional and personal front.
At the outset, after spending almost six years in this city, 2013 is the year when I had so badly and desperately wanted to move to a newer place and enjoy the company newer people. After wanting a refreshing change from the constantly repeating daily routine that has almost made me more than evidently mechanical, and after trying hard to get it, I have been so badly unsuccessful and desolate, which has been draining out my enthusiasm and confidence to keep trying more. If you ask me the reason why I want to move on, I have a couple of reasons to say, of which a better professional life comes first, following by the terrible need to put an end to by incomparably long hostel life. Honing my skills has always been one of my priorities, and I right now, I want to dive in to more prospective arenas on a professional front, to earn for myself a more broad-spectrum knowledge and higher levels of hands-on experiences that help boost my knowledge and at the same time provide me a more better financial backing to survive in this alarmingly costlier world in which everything except human beings are so damn pricey beyond reach. Repeated tries to get this done took lions share of my time this year, and returned nothing but some heavy and saddening thoughts on why I so terribly failed, even after being capable and gifted to a commendable level. Absolutely desolate and badly depressed, I often hold back my tears when I start thinking about this, the reason why I want to purposefully forget my failures and move-on with the hope that if god willing I would achieve it in 2014.
After having lived a good number of years in various hostels, and particularly single and sometimes so lonely, I hoped that 2013 would bring the life partner that I had always dreamed about, so that I could end the year as well as my prolonged hostel life on a positive note. But sadly I could never find someone who can be my truest and trustworthy friend for life. Most of the men whom I met either needed a partner to quench their physical desires or a slave to whom they can keep giving orders whenever and wherever they preferred. I looked around the entire year for that ‘special someone’ and couldn’t find him till now, as the year draws to a close. This hasn’t made me so terribly and visibly upset to the level of tear jerking, but I am feeling sad that I so badly failed on a personal front as well. Like any other woman, I too have always wanted a love-filled life with friend-like partner with whom I could happily grow old, but as I can never compromise on the narrow-minded, heavily egoistic, dictator-like, and bossy attitude of men, I kept refraining from entering in to any relationships till now, and hope I would get to meet that special someone in 2014.
Having said all the failed dreams of mine, I should also mention the bunch of surprising blessings that this year gave me, and most important one among this is my revived and rejuvenated writing style that has helped me jot down a good number of blog posts that one could read here on my blog. 2013 has made me feel more empowered as a writer and look forward to polishing my skills more and more in the coming years. Apart from writing, I also rekindled my love for reading this year, and managed to rebuild that long-lost bondage with books. As I have said many times before, I am not good in making friends, and nor am I interested in those artificially created relationships, the reason why my friends list remains the same like the previous year. Many other changes, both sudden and premeditated, and on-and-off twists and turns have changed my life for good, no matter how they came-in.
As the year winds down, like every one, I too have a bunch of hopes for the coming year, but I am not deeply reliant on them, and do not wish go overboard and over-expect about anything, as I hate myself falling deep down in to the pitfall of being let-down by fate. As always, I do want to save myself from being doomed in the sea of sorrow, in case my hopes and plans turn out fruitless at some point of the year. But I must also admit something here, and that’s I am extremely thankful for whatever I am blessed with right now, and have absolutely no remorse about anything and no hard feelings for anyone, as I believe that forgive and forget is mantra makes me move on, although the first part of it is a bit difficult sometimes.
Although I am not a movie buff, I do watch some of them, depending on my mood and the availability of time. Of-late there have been a lot of releases in all the three regional languages that I choose to watch that I never get ample time to watch them all before they lose their appeal and vanish from the cinema halls. Basically I find it hard to sit continually for about two hours and keep my eyes fixed constantly on the screen, but ask me to read a book or write a blog post, and I can do that in the same two hours, with all the possible perfection that you would look for. But movies are definitely not my cup of tea, although, like I said before, I do watch a few of them, but not all.
Of the many uninteresting factors about new movies, one of the most pathetic ones that I get to notice, especially in a streamline of movies that have been released these days is the unattractive and unappealing romantic antics of heroes who are way too much older for the heroines in the movies. I always keep thinking about the possible reasons why these middle aged or rather much older heroes are keen to choose heroines as younger as their daughters, but have never been able to draw a reasonable answer that looks convincing and rational. But one of the main reasons that I feel is the unsuccessful effort on the actor’s or director’s side to portray the actor to be much younger than his actual age. I think that many of them do believe too much on this self-drawn conclusion that a heroine who is much younger than the hero may portray him to be as younger as his female lead. If they believe so, I think it’s high time they should come out of that make-belief world and watch the reality in itself, where the hero turns out absolutely weird with his clownish gestures and more than evident heavy make-up, to desperately match with the young looks of the female protagonist.
I happened to watch a movie a couple of day’s back, in which the hero who is as close to sixty years was seen romancing someone in twenties, much younger than his own daughter. I was not taken aback, but was amused by the director’s/actor’s choice of heroine. If they had intended to show the hero as young as the heroine, I have to say that they failed so miserably that each and everyone in the audience could easily trace-out the wrinkles on his face and neck, even after an alleged facelift surgery that he is rumored to have done some time back. I still keep wondering about the possible reasons that make them ashamed to show their real age and come in terms with the fact that they can no more essay the roles of chocolate heroes, the kind of characters that they had successfully portrayed during their much younger days.
Having said this, I think I should also go a bit psychological to dig out the reasons why young heroines, especially in their teens, often become the favorite choices of those much older heroes or the self-confessed superstars of cine industry. Like I said before, most of them hate to admit that they are old enough for the roles that they crave for, and are scared to do so, after their decreasing market value, and the galloping demand for those much younger heroes in the industry. Another reason, I believe, is their fear of entering the club of the ‘retired’, from where they would have no hope to go back to the mainstream of the industry, and have all the fame and luxuries that they had owned once. Equally important is the fan-following that they keep boasting of. Although the so called stars of the industry keep bragging about the difficulties of being mobbed by their fans, I’ve always felt that they love and enjoy it most of the times, and would definitely feel their world falling apart if they don’t get to see a huge crowd of fans greeting and cheering for them, when they are out for a meeting or inside a movie hall. These and many more of such logical reasons when crafted together unveil the illusionary and pretentious world in which our cine stars live, and their immense fear to come close to reality, breaking the nutshell of the utopian world they prefer to live-in.
There was a reality show yesterday, where one of the male contestants, and a well-known actor, was heard saying that he is 40 years old, whereas umpteen documents that are surfacing on the internet keep echoing her actual age, which is 45. Why fear age, when you can always age proudly and gracefully, as well as remain strong and noticeable in the cine industry with genuine talent?
A die-heart fan of horror movies and crime stories, both written and visualized, I am one of the craziest aficionados of errie stories that speak about haunted mansions, evil spirits, and gruesome crimes. Due to this weirdest liking of mine, they call me the oddest in the family, thanks to my hard-to-enunciate loyalty and liking towards those chilling and thrilling narratives that instinctively captivates every corner of my mind. Crime stories and horror movies always make me so ecstatic that it goes to the very extent of eye-popping weirdness for at least a few of those people who see me watching ghost stories and brutal crime reports with utmost curiosity and inexpressible interest. Hours together or even an entire day, I wouldn’t think twice to watch or read those nerve-jangling accounts that promise to scare the yell out of readers/viewers and send shivers down the spine. Although many of them come with the tagline of being the most scary and terrifying, I hardly get to see or read anything that truly, absolutely frightens me to death.
When I tell you about my die-heart love for crime and ghost stories, I should also mention that there was a time in my life, when I was absolutely scared movies and stories that spoke about crimes and ghosts. As any normal child would be, I too believed that ghosts do exist and are born right after the death of a person, especially when someone dies untimely, the reason why I never managed to amass the courage to read or watch ghost stories and crime thrillers. My fear was so paramount one day that I kept hugging my mom tightly and kept myself awake one whole night, only because I saw a movie in which one of the characters was shown strangled to death. After seeing her struggling for breath, getting choked to death, with her eyes bulged out, her lips so scarily bluish, and her tongue protruded out of her mouth, I was extremely scared kept seeing her ghostly face practically everywhere inside my house. My belief solidified and became immovable with the kind of blown-up accounts of my cousins’ adventurous experiences of walking alone in the night, as most of them made me believe that white, pale shadowy ghosts and devils do walk around at nights and keep looking for humans. Trembling and shivering in darkness and silence, I couldn’t even go to next room alone, and gave my parents absolutely tough time for quite a couple of days. After seeing the kind of paranoia and hysteria that I had been showing for such a silly and foolish reason, my dad had to jump-in and take control of the entire situation. As I am very close to him, he knew that he would be the only person who can uproot the entire root and branches of the gigantically grown fear that had almost taken hold of my entire mind.
At-the-outset, showed immense patience by explaining to me that ghosts never exists, showed me scientific explanations and made me read as many books and journals as possible to make me understand that my fear is totally baseless. But I was unconvinced and still kept clinging on to the thoughts of evil spirits, ghosts, and devils that the stories and movies kept showing. After his long and tiresome effort to make me understand that such things never exist, he shocked me to numbness one day, by taking me to a cemetery compound close to our home. As we both stood outside the compound wall, I still remember how tightly I kept hugging him, and how badly I was shivering out of fear, when he kept asking me what on earth could harm me inside a graveyard. I had nothing to say, but looked around with fear, waiting for pale woman/man dressed in white to walk around slowly and start singing one of those eerie sounding songs. I waited and waited but no one came!
The initial fear surprisingly went-off after a few minutes, and my dad kept explaining to me all the time that ghosts never exist, and no cemeteries have white saree clad women who keep singing at midnight and walk amid darkness and smoke. He kept showing me those marble tombs inside and made me understand that I should never be afraid of them, but instead pray for their souls. So who are those people whom I get scared about? I felt a little embarrassed on getting close to the fact that I feared something that never existed.
After spending about half an hour in front of the graveyard, I came back home with my newfound courage and happiness, vowing to defeat my groundless fear and paranoia. Even after that adventurous day, dad continued to keep helping me get rid of my fear. He made me read ghost stories and watch horror and crime movies in his presence, thus taking away my unnecessary fear in steady and gradual progression. Slowly I started loving those chilling stories immense excitement. I also started walking around alone, without any traces of fear that had gripped me sometime back.
When I look back now, I cannot help but laugh my ass off when I think that I was so dumb and foolish enough to believe something that never existed in this world. But given the mindset that any child would have, I don’t think it was something unusual and odd. Now that I can understand what the state of mind of such a child would be, I make sure to help such kids remove their fear without ado. This doesn’t mean that I am daringly confident to walk alone on the road at night. It’s never because of a ghost or an evil spirit that may lurk around, but because of the more dangerous, the more harmful men who are never sane enough to spare women from being harassed.
What do you do if you find people close to you change their attitude to you overnight, for reasons best known to them? I know it’s a confusing question and a perplexing situation, when you’re dumbfounded on seeing the sudden indifference of a person you’ve known for months or perhaps years together. You may repeatedly ask or may request and plead to know what has actually happened or what exactly sowed the seeds of grave indifference and quietness, and the other person would shrug them all off saying the very usual answer that nothing has happened. After long, fruitless, and tiresome efforts to know his/her mind, you would sulk and rack your brains to figure out what exactly has happened, finally end up nowhere. I don’t know whether this has happened to you all, but I have had a few instances in life when I was left with absolutely no ways to make-out why some of those people who were supposedly close to me turned out so shockingly indifferent one fine day.
Such sudden twists in relationships were straining, confusing, and hurting in the beginning, and often left me in tears. I couldn’t know what exactly went wrong and why I was ‘ditched’ for apparently no reason of mine. Created mostly due to silly misunderstandings, most of which were cleared and sorted out in due course, those ‘superficial friendships’ where never reinstated with the initial liking and dedication, as I never felt I would be able to give my hundred percent to them all, as they lacked the initial trust and understanding that I had nurtured and boasted about. So, after fixing the cracks that had spoiled the relations between us, I have tried to maintain safer distances from the so called ‘friends’ in both professional and personal life. Neither have they asked me why I haven’t recreated the bond that we shared before, nor have I found it necessary to explain why I maintain those newly created boundaries in our relationships.
Relationships, no matter whatever you name it, I think, are firmly rooted on trust, understanding, and transparency. These basic pillars not only erect the relationship well, but also give it a firm grounding that has to remain as such for years together. A crack or rupture in any one of these basic pillars would topple down the entire construction, often beyond repair. No matter however hard to try to cement them back to formal shape, there would be that disfigured and distorted look that keeps echoing the fact that relation is no more in proper shape.
I’ve never had a huge circle of friends, as I had always been reserved, and focused more on my reading and writing habits, than making friends. As I have always believed that friendship is way beyond the superficialities that many of us see and accept as true for its hyped emotional essence, I never considered it necessary to go to the so called friends circles and ‘make friends’ artificially. From whatever relationships that evolved naturally, I’ve had and still have a very few circle of people whom I can call friends, and the others live a fence apart from them. By ‘the others’ I mean all the rest of the people whom I know as well as the ‘once friends’ who had abruptly cut-off their ties with me and later returned with hard to accept explanations to justify what they have done.
Call it doubt, misunderstanding, jealousy or any other name that sounds sensible to justify what you feel, I think they all should be put clearly in words, and should get clarified, right way, so that your relationships never get affected by what you think and feel about the other person. You may be right or completely wrong as well, but that should never be an excuse to hurt someone who has been with you in thick and thin and respected you throughout for the way you are. Make things clear, articulate your feelings sensibly, never take a diplomatic stand, and maintain transparency and trust in every relation that you have, and in spite of all if someone leaves you for baseless reasons, all that I would say from my experience is just FORGET THEM, because, they are absolutely not worth your love and friendship. Keep them at bay and move on, as you have many other better things to do in life.