Strong waves of intense desperation keep hitting me on and off, for some reason or the other, several times a day. Some of them leave no stones unturned to mercilessly drag me to the brim of a nervous breakdown, but I often save myself through a temporary escape to a strange makeshift surrounding, to shred my very stressful present and start afresh.
Sudden and unforseen desolations are never uncommon in our lives and I am no different. But sometimes they grow intense and uncontrollable, especially when I am strongly blamed for no reason or when trampled under a bunch of worthless advises from people around, be it my immediate family or the much strange this-and-that people I get to see each day. I am no stranger to being underrated and unrewarded at workplaces and have outgrown the stages of grumbling and crying my heart out for being unappreciated and unrewarded for what I do.
Now I don’t shed tears on being called irrelevant and do not express my anguish for being unappreciated. Instead, I put a visibly strong and bold face to deal with the despairs, making sure not to curse my stars for the repeated failures that I get to face, often for no reason of mine. What’s left is an unexplainable numbness which has stuck my brain with its full strength and vigour leaving me visibly reaction-less to every single blow that I face. But if you ask me what goes on deep inside my heart, the resource of words that I have is insufficient to put out how badly I feel. On a personal front, I am more familiar with let-downs than contentedness the reason why I have now become well groomed to take in everything with a pinch of salt. That being said, I must also admit that sometimes my saneness gets so badly hit, and that’s when I enter a brief escaping mode.
On reaching the level of saturation, I so badly yearn to run away until things settle down clearly in my brain. This is when I switch to the escaping mode, where I dream about flying off to some of my favourite places, mostly some of those hustling and bustling metros where I can effortlessly vanish in to the very fast moving crowd. Imagining me busily writing for some of my favourite companies is yet another phase of the fleeing mode, where I see a happy and contented me working my ass off yet earning well enough to fulfill all my dreams.
The runaway mode is quite good for the mind and keeps me off from the impacts of distresses, small and big. By the time I get back to normalcy, I would be at peace to rationally attune myself to compromise to where I am and what I face, grabbing by senses and moving on with whatever hope I am left with. Though it may sound way bit silly and irrational, for me, it’s a workable potion to sooth my grieving mind and make me walk past some of those sorrowful days.
Seeing myself busily walking through the pavements of beautiful city, imagining myself writing for a well-known company, picturing myself getting wholeheartedly appreciated for my writings, visualizing myself walking contentedly with a decent paycheck, envisioning myself living that fairy tale life with the man of my dreams; I know they are all too much impossible to think about, yet I dream in my escaping mode, and dream big, even for the momentary happiness and saving a little of it for a long term hope that someday at-least a few of those would turn out true.
I don’t share any of my woes as I hate being a complainer, nagging everyone I know, the reason why I hardly disclose myself to anyone, be it my parents or other family members whom I am close to. The blog has always been a good platform to give vent to my thoughts and feelings, the reason why I’ve made most out of it all these years, without being too divulging. Yet, writing my way out gives me a sense of unaccountable sooth and calmness, along with the strength to move forward boldly. So does the temporary fleeting mode where I dream myself to tranquility.
Those who read me regularly might find it a bit odd that I lament quite a lot sometimes, and I shamelessly admit I do, as my blog is the only friend I have on earth to listen to my blabbers, no matter how senseless and boring they are.